September 29, 2005

How Many Beers: Rocket Jones Edition

Back by popular demand-- another edition of How Many Beers?

In the hot seat today is Ted from Rocket Jones. Let’s see just how sick he is:

As they appear today

Madonna - I was a big Cyndi Lauper fan. I never could stand Madonna. Just because of who she is, it would take a bottle of good tequila, but I'd want someone I trust there to make sure I wore two or three condoms. Who knows? I might inspire her next children's book: "Having Sex Without Really Feeling It."

Good choice. Personally, I could never get past the hairy armpits in that old Playboy spread. Cyndi Lauper goes on the next list.

Diane Sawyer - After Madonna? Hell, a six-pack of malt liquor will do it. I'll make her forget that little troll Moreley Safer. I bet that smokey voice gets real sexy in the right circumstances, and if I'm feeling particularly kinky, I'll squint and pretend she's Martha Stewart.

Oho! Methinks Ted likes to bed down old broads. Squinting Martha, huh?

Stevie Nicks (30 years has taken a serious toll) - She's still a rock goddess, and when you start up high, even downhill ain't half bad. She's blind, right? That improves my chances right there. Hell, I'm beginning to think this is really possible. Four shots apiece, but if she calls me Mick I swear in the morning I'll kiss her goodbye and hold the window open for her.

Blind? That’s news to me, but I don’t exactly keep up. Four shots ain’t much for someone that looks like Norma Desmond. I’m going to have to start graduating these questions, i.e., It’s 3:00 pm and you masturbated around 8:00am. Stevie walks in and grabs your crotch but she has real bad breath…

Sally Struthers - only on hallucinagens, and only if I can call her "Cartman". On second thought, those two conditions, and I'll just sit back and watch shank do her at his bachelor party. Better have a bottle of ouzo for the wedding boy, he's gonna need it.

Well, that’s the safe answer, but I think I’d do her for the same reason I’d do Barbara Streisand—because a good old-fashioned horse humpin’ might set them straight. It’s your civic duty.

As they appeared in the 70s

Sally Struthers - only two things would've kept me from tapping her sober: her annoying voice and the way she acted. If I can't duct tape her mouth shut, then I demand that she whisper "Oooh yeah, daddy" in my ear. "All In The Family" fer sure. A couple of boilermakers.

Hard to believe, but before she became a manatee that broad was hot.

Alice, the maid from The Brady Bunch - We'd work on a bottle of rotgut bourbon shot for shot, and then when she was semi-concious I'd let Tiger have at it. PETA would throw a fit, but you just can't make those people happy.

A wise choice, my friend. No amount of booze is enough to tag Alice. If you said something like three beers I would have had to submit this to Drudge. “Man Admits He Would Make Sweet Love to Alice.” He’d have to get the flashing lights out.

Mrs. Cunningham from Happy Days - in a heartbeat. You could tell she was a wild one in the bedroom. Perhaps after a scotch, neat, just to fan the fires a bit.

Good answer. I’ve always wanted to tag her. Rumor has it that Potsie gave her oral in his trailer and she cracked a vertebrae in his neck. Actually, I just made that up, but so want it to be true.

Florida from Good Times - *whistle* Here, Tiger! *whistle* C'mere boy. Seriously though, at least a full keg. Dropped from six feet, onto my head. Please.

Shit, Ted. You let me down on this one. She seemed like a real nice lady and all. Three beers for me.

As they appeared in the 50s

Barbara Billingsley (Mrs. Cleaver) - Two martini's, more for her benefit, to loosen her up a bit. Good looking, but I'd imagine sex with her would be kinda like her prototypical television housewifery: technically perfect but a little sterile. I'd want her on the floor begging to be broken. Better make it four martini's and pass me the ping pong paddle.

Ah. Now the picture’s becoming clearer. Four martinis and you’d get the funk out. Could Eddie Haskell watch?

Aunt Bea from Mayberry - She dated Fatty Arbuckle you know. There's not enough alcohol on the planet. Oh wait. There might be pie, right? Ok, a pint of whatever white lightning Otis is drinking, and then maybe if I squint and pretend that I'm Tiger...

This one was kind of a throw away, but I had to gamble. On the off chance you said yes in any way, shape or form, we’d forever be known as the blog who found a guy that wanted to tag Aunt Bea. I so wanted that.

Well, let’s give a big round of applause to Ted for being a good sport.

Final Pervert Rating: 5 out of 10

Posted by Paul! at 09:03 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

September 28, 2005

How Many Beers: Special Female Guest Edition

Welcome back to another edition of How Many Beers? This week is our first ever female version and our guest is Jennifer of the fine blog Jennifer’s History and Stuff.

Let’s get right to it.

1. Tommy Lee--Tommy's not bad looking once you clean him up, and he IS impressively endowed. However, I'm pretty sure he'd smell like an ashtray, and who knows what kind of diseases I'd get. A fifth of Jack and a latex body suit.

Wow. Tommy Lee is blown out of the water. Let’s try a different tact.

2. Steve Buscemi--Steve's goofy looking and a little creepy sometimes. Which means he's probably good in the sack. Two mixed drinks and a shot.

Incredible! Buscemi scores with two drinks and a shot. That’s not far from sober, folks.

3. Anthony Hopkins--is old. And looks distressingly like Hannibal Lecter. But he does have a British accent, and I likes them foreign accents. Six mixed drinks.

I’m kind of relieved here. Less than six drinks would have upset me.

4. Liv Tyler--She looks like her dad, and that's in her favor. But she's a little too delicate for my picky go-gay tastes. A fifth of anything and a couple shots of Tequila.

I tried to slip one past the goalie but no score. Too delicate…[mental note].

5. John Goodman--John is a big, big guy. I bet you thought I'd need a lot for him. You'd be wrong. I've mentioned before that I love John Goodman. Three mixed drinks.

Another score for an unlikely candidate. Three drinks and the big man doing the wave. Folks, this is top-notch blogging.

6. Jack Black--The lucid, Tenacious D Jack Black, or the drugged-out, looney red carpet Jack Black? Either way, let's say a fifth of Jose and a shower.

Okay, no heavy fetish. Again, I’m very relieved.

7. Al Pacino (the current scary, over-acting incarnation)--"Say hello to my little friends." That's not something you want running through your head when you're about to say hello to his little friends. Know what I mean? Two fifths of whatever I could lay my hands on.

More relief. I was worried about this one. Looks like crazy guys are out for Jen.

8. Bruce Springsteen--Bruce, God bless him, looks like an ashtray. And the faces he makes would be really distracting. A fifth of Jim and a dark room.

No real surprise here. He always looks like he’s got a mousetrap on his balls with the faces he makes normally.

9. Tom Hanks--Everybody loves Tom Hanks. If he was single, I'd do him sober.

Really? He’s kind of old, no? No matter, everybody gets one freebee.

10. Denise Richards--Now, I admire your tenacity in trying to make me go gay, and this is a much better option than Liv Tyler, but...Angelina Jolie is the one I'd go gay for in a heartbeat. Those lips, those eyes. Stone cold sober for Angie. And I'd bring my camcorder. She already has the handcuffs.

Holy shit. I almost don’t know what to say. Is there any woman in America who would not go gay for Angelina Jolie? God damn it’s hot in here.

Bonus Question. Chandler Bing--Monica said he was the best she ever had, even when it was early in the relationship. That is a nice endorsement for Chandler. But the constant jokes? If I met Chandler in a bar, it'd take a few to overcome his personality. Four mixed drinks.

Good. He doesn’t deserve you. Angelina and I, well…we’ll take good care of you.

You know, sometimes I think of Jen as a delicate flower, and other times I think of her throwing a drink in my face and saying, “Take your pants off now! Before I change my mind!” I really like them both.

Well, that’s it for this round of How Many Beers. I’m just going to sit here until I can safely stand up.

Posted by Paul! at 02:37 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack

September 07, 2005

How Many Beers—Special Guest Edition

I conned Jim from Snooze Button Dreams into playing a round of How Many Beers. Let’s see how he’s done:

1. The fat chick from Facts of Life

Natalie from Facts of Life? Hell, she’s just a cleverly disguised hottie. I’ll say three beers, just to loosen things up. But I’d be thinking about “Tootie” while I nailed her.

Damn…That’s at least six pack for me. Maybe if I just got back from a nudie bar...

2. Miss Hathaway from The Beverly Hillbillies

Miss Hathaway would depend. Are we talking the scarecrow from the TV show or Lily Tomlin from the movie? [We’re talking about the scarecrow—ed.] I’d bang Lily in a minute just so I could brag through the rest of my life that I screwed Eunice. The other one scares me. And she looks all dry. We’d definitely need several hours of tequila shots and a well placed tube of KY.

But you’d do it. See for yourselves ladies, there may be a sliding scale, but so far nothing’s off the chart.

3. Penny Marshall

Penny Marshall…hmmm… I don’t think that’s possible. Her balls would get in the way.

I stand corrected. There is a point where Jim draws the line. I’d probably do it if I was assured she wouldn’t speak during the event. That voice…uhhh.

4. Chelsea Clinton

Chelsea Clinton? Are you kidding? Have you seen a picture of her lately? Hot damn, she’s taggable as hell! Zero beers required for Chelsea.

A new precedent! He’s willing to tag this one stone-cold sober. Folks, this is dramatic, ground- breaking blogging. I’m on the edge of my seat for this next one…

5. Oprah Winfrey

Oprah Winfrey would require three consecutive keg stands. But I’d be thinking about “Tootie” while I nailed her.

Interesting…I might have to start asking about more specific sexual acts in the future.

6. Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Julia Louis-Dreyfus would have to be taken stone cold sober. You need to keep your reflexes about you to avoid cutting yourself on that razor sharp nose.

Yeah, I’d probably do this sober too. Shit, that’s what the dimmer switch is for. Again, I’d have to be assured of no talking.

7. Margaret Cho

Margaret Cho. Margaret Cho. Cho Cho Cho. The ticket to ride that train costs a six pack with a Viagra shooter plus bloodletting to the point of unconsciousness.

I’m with you there, brother. I was thinking black tar heroin.

8. Ethel from I Love Lucy

Ethel was a fiery thing. High spirits, tight dresses, nice tits and a cushiony backside. But she was used to resisting the advances of young, strapping, hot men with voices like silver. I’d probably need to get her seriously trashed on highballs before I got into her panties.

Holy cow. I’m not sure I’d go there, but if I did, it would have to be something special. Like the inverted buck-crab, or the fourth posture of the perfumed garden. You know, so I’d have a good story to tell later.

Well, there we have it, folks. Let’s have a big round of applause for Jim, he’s been a great guest, if not a little disturbing. Next up, we’ll ask the ladies.

Posted by Paul! at 10:18 AM | Comments (9) | TrackBack

How many beers?

Even if I was strip-club drunk—and watching porn—there’s just no way I’d tag Greta van Susteren. Everybody needs to draw the line somewhere.

I’m happy to announce that How Many Beers will be a regular feature of this blog going forward.

Posted by Paul! at 07:32 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack