September 29, 2005

How Many Beers: Rocket Jones Edition

Back by popular demand-- another edition of How Many Beers?

In the hot seat today is Ted from Rocket Jones. Let’s see just how sick he is:

As they appear today

Madonna - I was a big Cyndi Lauper fan. I never could stand Madonna. Just because of who she is, it would take a bottle of good tequila, but I'd want someone I trust there to make sure I wore two or three condoms. Who knows? I might inspire her next children's book: "Having Sex Without Really Feeling It."

Good choice. Personally, I could never get past the hairy armpits in that old Playboy spread. Cyndi Lauper goes on the next list.

Diane Sawyer - After Madonna? Hell, a six-pack of malt liquor will do it. I'll make her forget that little troll Moreley Safer. I bet that smokey voice gets real sexy in the right circumstances, and if I'm feeling particularly kinky, I'll squint and pretend she's Martha Stewart.

Oho! Methinks Ted likes to bed down old broads. Squinting Martha, huh?

Stevie Nicks (30 years has taken a serious toll) - She's still a rock goddess, and when you start up high, even downhill ain't half bad. She's blind, right? That improves my chances right there. Hell, I'm beginning to think this is really possible. Four shots apiece, but if she calls me Mick I swear in the morning I'll kiss her goodbye and hold the window open for her.

Blind? That’s news to me, but I don’t exactly keep up. Four shots ain’t much for someone that looks like Norma Desmond. I’m going to have to start graduating these questions, i.e., It’s 3:00 pm and you masturbated around 8:00am. Stevie walks in and grabs your crotch but she has real bad breath…

Sally Struthers - only on hallucinagens, and only if I can call her "Cartman". On second thought, those two conditions, and I'll just sit back and watch shank do her at his bachelor party. Better have a bottle of ouzo for the wedding boy, he's gonna need it.

Well, that’s the safe answer, but I think I’d do her for the same reason I’d do Barbara Streisand—because a good old-fashioned horse humpin’ might set them straight. It’s your civic duty.

As they appeared in the 70s

Sally Struthers - only two things would've kept me from tapping her sober: her annoying voice and the way she acted. If I can't duct tape her mouth shut, then I demand that she whisper "Oooh yeah, daddy" in my ear. "All In The Family" fer sure. A couple of boilermakers.

Hard to believe, but before she became a manatee that broad was hot.

Alice, the maid from The Brady Bunch - We'd work on a bottle of rotgut bourbon shot for shot, and then when she was semi-concious I'd let Tiger have at it. PETA would throw a fit, but you just can't make those people happy.

A wise choice, my friend. No amount of booze is enough to tag Alice. If you said something like three beers I would have had to submit this to Drudge. “Man Admits He Would Make Sweet Love to Alice.” He’d have to get the flashing lights out.

Mrs. Cunningham from Happy Days - in a heartbeat. You could tell she was a wild one in the bedroom. Perhaps after a scotch, neat, just to fan the fires a bit.

Good answer. I’ve always wanted to tag her. Rumor has it that Potsie gave her oral in his trailer and she cracked a vertebrae in his neck. Actually, I just made that up, but so want it to be true.

Florida from Good Times - *whistle* Here, Tiger! *whistle* C'mere boy. Seriously though, at least a full keg. Dropped from six feet, onto my head. Please.

Shit, Ted. You let me down on this one. She seemed like a real nice lady and all. Three beers for me.

As they appeared in the 50s

Barbara Billingsley (Mrs. Cleaver) - Two martini's, more for her benefit, to loosen her up a bit. Good looking, but I'd imagine sex with her would be kinda like her prototypical television housewifery: technically perfect but a little sterile. I'd want her on the floor begging to be broken. Better make it four martini's and pass me the ping pong paddle.

Ah. Now the picture’s becoming clearer. Four martinis and you’d get the funk out. Could Eddie Haskell watch?

Aunt Bea from Mayberry - She dated Fatty Arbuckle you know. There's not enough alcohol on the planet. Oh wait. There might be pie, right? Ok, a pint of whatever white lightning Otis is drinking, and then maybe if I squint and pretend that I'm Tiger...

This one was kind of a throw away, but I had to gamble. On the off chance you said yes in any way, shape or form, we’d forever be known as the blog who found a guy that wanted to tag Aunt Bea. I so wanted that.

Well, let’s give a big round of applause to Ted for being a good sport.

Final Pervert Rating: 5 out of 10

Posted by Paul! at September 29, 2005 09:03 AM | TrackBack

Ted, once again, slams it outta the park.

On an unrelated note, I'd bet five to one that when Mookie's not around, Ted and the wife watch Half Baked and take turns hitting a little homemade bong fashioned from an old used rocket chassis and some duct tape. I can totally see it.

Posted by: shank at September 29, 2005 09:25 AM

Florida *was* a nice lady, that was the problem. I saw her as a likable, church-goin', upstanding asexual mom. I just can't conceive of it.

Posted by: Ted at September 29, 2005 12:14 PM

Wow, I probably only remember 1/2 of the people you've mentioned but Ted, you my friend are a sick puppy, Martha friggin Stewart? Yikes.

I guess you guys are of a different generation.. .nyuk

Posted by: Oorgo at September 29, 2005 07:45 PM

I would so do Martha. I bet her Astroglide is always fresh, and the kleenex box is always full. I suppose I could also get used to her tossing a doily under my ass every time she climbed aboard to ride me like a pony.

I always wanted to do Mrs Brady, and Shirley Jones killed more of my swimmers than just about anything. The thought of a threesome with her and her daughter is almost more than I can bear.

Posted by: Bane at September 29, 2005 08:11 PM

and still, without any possibility of going gay mentions, it's just not as exciting. Bring back the girls! though Bane's too-much-virgin-ears-ahhhhh comment did add some excitement.

all in all - more beer!

Posted by: sis at September 29, 2005 11:50 PM

You never want to ask me questions like that. Trust me.

Posted by: Dortch at September 30, 2005 07:54 AM
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