September 28, 2005

How Many Beers: Special Female Guest Edition

Welcome back to another edition of How Many Beers? This week is our first ever female version and our guest is Jennifer of the fine blog Jennifer’s History and Stuff.

Let’s get right to it.

1. Tommy Lee--Tommy's not bad looking once you clean him up, and he IS impressively endowed. However, I'm pretty sure he'd smell like an ashtray, and who knows what kind of diseases I'd get. A fifth of Jack and a latex body suit.

Wow. Tommy Lee is blown out of the water. Let’s try a different tact.

2. Steve Buscemi--Steve's goofy looking and a little creepy sometimes. Which means he's probably good in the sack. Two mixed drinks and a shot.

Incredible! Buscemi scores with two drinks and a shot. That’s not far from sober, folks.

3. Anthony Hopkins--is old. And looks distressingly like Hannibal Lecter. But he does have a British accent, and I likes them foreign accents. Six mixed drinks.

I’m kind of relieved here. Less than six drinks would have upset me.

4. Liv Tyler--She looks like her dad, and that's in her favor. But she's a little too delicate for my picky go-gay tastes. A fifth of anything and a couple shots of Tequila.

I tried to slip one past the goalie but no score. Too delicate…[mental note].

5. John Goodman--John is a big, big guy. I bet you thought I'd need a lot for him. You'd be wrong. I've mentioned before that I love John Goodman. Three mixed drinks.

Another score for an unlikely candidate. Three drinks and the big man doing the wave. Folks, this is top-notch blogging.

6. Jack Black--The lucid, Tenacious D Jack Black, or the drugged-out, looney red carpet Jack Black? Either way, let's say a fifth of Jose and a shower.

Okay, no heavy fetish. Again, I’m very relieved.

7. Al Pacino (the current scary, over-acting incarnation)--"Say hello to my little friends." That's not something you want running through your head when you're about to say hello to his little friends. Know what I mean? Two fifths of whatever I could lay my hands on.

More relief. I was worried about this one. Looks like crazy guys are out for Jen.

8. Bruce Springsteen--Bruce, God bless him, looks like an ashtray. And the faces he makes would be really distracting. A fifth of Jim and a dark room.

No real surprise here. He always looks like he’s got a mousetrap on his balls with the faces he makes normally.

9. Tom Hanks--Everybody loves Tom Hanks. If he was single, I'd do him sober.

Really? He’s kind of old, no? No matter, everybody gets one freebee.

10. Denise Richards--Now, I admire your tenacity in trying to make me go gay, and this is a much better option than Liv Tyler, but...Angelina Jolie is the one I'd go gay for in a heartbeat. Those lips, those eyes. Stone cold sober for Angie. And I'd bring my camcorder. She already has the handcuffs.

Holy shit. I almost don’t know what to say. Is there any woman in America who would not go gay for Angelina Jolie? God damn it’s hot in here.

Bonus Question. Chandler Bing--Monica said he was the best she ever had, even when it was early in the relationship. That is a nice endorsement for Chandler. But the constant jokes? If I met Chandler in a bar, it'd take a few to overcome his personality. Four mixed drinks.

Good. He doesn’t deserve you. Angelina and I, well…we’ll take good care of you.

You know, sometimes I think of Jen as a delicate flower, and other times I think of her throwing a drink in my face and saying, “Take your pants off now! Before I change my mind!” I really like them both.

Well, that’s it for this round of How Many Beers. I’m just going to sit here until I can safely stand up.

Posted by Paul! at September 28, 2005 02:37 PM | TrackBack

That was enlightening. I mean, I can pretty much throw out everything in my stalker kit except for the fifth of Jose and the blow up Angelina Jolie doll. Which is good, because the van was getting a little crowded.

Posted by: shank at September 28, 2005 02:43 PM

Ok, wow... umm...

I gotta go.. to the washrooom, I'll be right back.

Posted by: Oorgo at September 28, 2005 03:34 PM

That's weird, wife is a queer-hater from way back, but she makes the purr sound when she sees Angelina. I don't think I've spoken with a woman yet who doesn't get a faraway look in their eyes over Ms Jolie. I don't know how Brad does it. Angie would get the zipper to her skin tight jump-suit about half way down and I'd be like "Okay, thanks...your work here is through...I'm done..."

That said, there is not a man on the planet I could even kiss for less than a million dollars. Just typing that made me hurk a little.

Posted by: Bane at September 28, 2005 05:53 PM

I really surprised there hasn't been an academic survey on why all women agree that Angeline Jolie is the "go gay" girl. No one ever mentions that Aniston chick.

Brad must be up to his armpits in threesomes. I hate him even more now.

Posted by: Simon at September 28, 2005 11:34 PM

There is one reason, and one reason only, why I wouldn't go gay for Angelina: why are her lips so big?? Where have they been??? And it's not worth going gay if you don't want her lips anywhere near you... I don't want to miss out on all the fun. I'm tellin' you, it's all about Ashley Olsen after a couple snorts of coke.

Posted by: sis at September 28, 2005 11:52 PM

I've said before and I'll say it again. I'd go gay for Angelina. I think, at least, for me - she radiates sex. It's in her pores. She could be sittin on the toilet and she'd still be sexy. I'd never leave the bedroom if I were with her. Ok...was that too much? sorry.

Posted by: Tiffani at September 29, 2005 09:01 AM

No, Tiffani! Don't stop! I'm...almost...there...

Posted by: Bane at September 29, 2005 02:20 PM

Or I could tell you about how I would go gay for Elizabeth Hurley too. She's hot.

Posted by: Tiffani at September 29, 2005 03:44 PM
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