Id's Cage

How Many Beers: Special Female Guest Edition

Welcome back to another edition of How Many Beers? This week is our first ever female version and our guest is Jennifer of the fine blog Jennifer’s History and Stuff.

Let’s get right to it.

1. Tommy Lee--Tommy's not bad looking once you clean him up, and he IS impressively endowed. However, I'm pretty sure he'd smell like an ashtray, and who knows what kind of diseases I'd get. A fifth of Jack and a latex body suit.

Wow. Tommy Lee is blown out of the water. Let’s try a different tact.

2. Steve Buscemi--Steve's goofy looking and a little creepy sometimes. Which means he's probably good in the sack. Two mixed drinks and a shot.

Incredible! Buscemi scores with two drinks and a shot. That’s not far from sober, folks.

3. Anthony Hopkins--is old. And looks distressingly like Hannibal Lecter. But he does have a British accent, and I likes them foreign accents. Six mixed drinks.

I’m kind of relieved here. Less than six drinks would have upset me.

4. Liv Tyler--She looks like her dad, and that's in her favor. But she's a little too delicate for my picky go-gay tastes. A fifth of anything and a couple shots of Tequila.

I tried to slip one past the goalie but no score. Too delicate…[mental note].

5. John Goodman--John is a big, big guy. I bet you thought I'd need a lot for him. You'd be wrong. I've mentioned before that I love John Goodman. Three mixed drinks.

Another score for an unlikely candidate. Three drinks and the big man doing the wave. Folks, this is top-notch blogging.

6. Jack Black--The lucid, Tenacious D Jack Black, or the drugged-out, looney red carpet Jack Black? Either way, let's say a fifth of Jose and a shower.

Okay, no heavy fetish. Again, I’m very relieved.

7. Al Pacino (the current scary, over-acting incarnation)--"Say hello to my little friends." That's not something you want running through your head when you're about to say hello to his little friends. Know what I mean? Two fifths of whatever I could lay my hands on.

More relief. I was worried about this one. Looks like crazy guys are out for Jen.

8. Bruce Springsteen--Bruce, God bless him, looks like an ashtray. And the faces he makes would be really distracting. A fifth of Jim and a dark room.

No real surprise here. He always looks like he’s got a mousetrap on his balls with the faces he makes normally.

9. Tom Hanks--Everybody loves Tom Hanks. If he was single, I'd do him sober.

Really? He’s kind of old, no? No matter, everybody gets one freebee.

10. Denise Richards--Now, I admire your tenacity in trying to make me go gay, and this is a much better option than Liv Tyler, but...Angelina Jolie is the one I'd go gay for in a heartbeat. Those lips, those eyes. Stone cold sober for Angie. And I'd bring my camcorder. She already has the handcuffs.

Holy shit. I almost don’t know what to say. Is there any woman in America who would not go gay for Angelina Jolie? God damn it’s hot in here.

Bonus Question. Chandler Bing--Monica said he was the best she ever had, even when it was early in the relationship. That is a nice endorsement for Chandler. But the constant jokes? If I met Chandler in a bar, it'd take a few to overcome his personality. Four mixed drinks.

Good. He doesn’t deserve you. Angelina and I, well…we’ll take good care of you.

You know, sometimes I think of Jen as a delicate flower, and other times I think of her throwing a drink in my face and saying, “Take your pants off now! Before I change my mind!” I really like them both.

Well, that’s it for this round of How Many Beers. I’m just going to sit here until I can safely stand up.

Posted by Paul! at September 28, 2005 02:37 PM | TrackBack