Id's Cage

How Many Beers—Special Guest Edition

I conned Jim from Snooze Button Dreams into playing a round of How Many Beers. Let’s see how he’s done:

1. The fat chick from Facts of Life

Natalie from Facts of Life? Hell, she’s just a cleverly disguised hottie. I’ll say three beers, just to loosen things up. But I’d be thinking about “Tootie” while I nailed her.

Damn…That’s at least six pack for me. Maybe if I just got back from a nudie bar...

2. Miss Hathaway from The Beverly Hillbillies

Miss Hathaway would depend. Are we talking the scarecrow from the TV show or Lily Tomlin from the movie? [We’re talking about the scarecrow—ed.] I’d bang Lily in a minute just so I could brag through the rest of my life that I screwed Eunice. The other one scares me. And she looks all dry. We’d definitely need several hours of tequila shots and a well placed tube of KY.

But you’d do it. See for yourselves ladies, there may be a sliding scale, but so far nothing’s off the chart.

3. Penny Marshall

Penny Marshall…hmmm… I don’t think that’s possible. Her balls would get in the way.

I stand corrected. There is a point where Jim draws the line. I’d probably do it if I was assured she wouldn’t speak during the event. That voice…uhhh.

4. Chelsea Clinton

Chelsea Clinton? Are you kidding? Have you seen a picture of her lately? Hot damn, she’s taggable as hell! Zero beers required for Chelsea.

A new precedent! He’s willing to tag this one stone-cold sober. Folks, this is dramatic, ground- breaking blogging. I’m on the edge of my seat for this next one…

5. Oprah Winfrey

Oprah Winfrey would require three consecutive keg stands. But I’d be thinking about “Tootie” while I nailed her.

Interesting…I might have to start asking about more specific sexual acts in the future.

6. Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Julia Louis-Dreyfus would have to be taken stone cold sober. You need to keep your reflexes about you to avoid cutting yourself on that razor sharp nose.

Yeah, I’d probably do this sober too. Shit, that’s what the dimmer switch is for. Again, I’d have to be assured of no talking.

7. Margaret Cho

Margaret Cho. Margaret Cho. Cho Cho Cho. The ticket to ride that train costs a six pack with a Viagra shooter plus bloodletting to the point of unconsciousness.

I’m with you there, brother. I was thinking black tar heroin.

8. Ethel from I Love Lucy

Ethel was a fiery thing. High spirits, tight dresses, nice tits and a cushiony backside. But she was used to resisting the advances of young, strapping, hot men with voices like silver. I’d probably need to get her seriously trashed on highballs before I got into her panties.

Holy cow. I’m not sure I’d go there, but if I did, it would have to be something special. Like the inverted buck-crab, or the fourth posture of the perfumed garden. You know, so I’d have a good story to tell later.

Well, there we have it, folks. Let’s have a big round of applause for Jim, he’s been a great guest, if not a little disturbing. Next up, we’ll ask the ladies.

Posted by Paul! at September 7, 2005 10:18 AM | TrackBack