Id's Cage

Dolly Parton

...Is a fucking freak of plastic surgery, and I'm not talking about the tits. I can believe that those were OEM; however I wonder sometimes if their current condition is not...surgically improved.

But funbags aside, her teeth are way too...complete and white to be some coalminer's daughter's gear, okay? I mean, no one in The South over the age of 65 has all their teeth and naturally blonde hair! Doesn't happen.

The only explanation is that she's an animatron. Maybe she escaped from Chuckie Cheese's or The Wheel of Progress at Disney World; but I can garandamntee you she ain't not friggin human.

Like I didn't know this already

I never, ever do this shit so don't give me any crap. And you know you want to do this one.

You scored as James Bond, Agent 007. James Bond is MI6's best agent, a suave, sophisticated super spy with charm, cunning, and a license's to kill. He doesn't care about rules or regulations and somewhat amoral. He does care about saving humanity though, as well as the beautiful women who fill his world. Bond has expensive tastes, a wide knowledge of many subjects, and his usually armed with a clever gadget and an appropriate one-liner. James Bond, Agent 007 100% William Wallace 79% Neo, the "One" 79% Maximus 75% El Zorro 75% Captain Jack Sparrow 67% Lara Croft 63% Indiana Jones 58% Batman, the Dark Knight 54% The Terminator 50% The Amazing Spider-Man 46% Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

h/t to Ted.

Some frank admissions

If I think I can fart in a car or meeting and get away with it, I will. And I will deny culpability with extreme vehemence.

I wish nothing but the worst on the Optimist’s Club and all it’s members.

I daydream a lot.

For a slim guy, I can eat more than anyone I know.

I’m overly critical of everything.

If I shake someone’s hand I can’t relax until I can wash my hands again.

I hate recycling because I don’t like washing my garbage before I store it for days.

I will fight for the armrest on an airplane or in a movie theater.

I often find myself in contempt of others…for no good reason.

I do not like people who play golf. And talk about it.

My sense of humor will eventually be my downfall at work.

I wish I had a ten pound ball of Silly Putty.

The toilet incident

Last night I had just put the kid in the bathtub when she announced that she had to pee. Okay, back out of the tub, water all over the floor, my socks get wet, and back into the tub she goes. I flush the toilet, but it really doesn’t flush. The bowl emptied, but no water filled it back up again.

I take the top of the tank off and have a look. Everything looks right, the fill tank is full of water; it just didn’t go down into the toilet. I noticed that the chain was a little loose so I tighten it up and flush again just to check. This time I held the handle down longer and it worked. But I couldn’t leave it alone because I’m fucking obsessive-compulsive. I started shaking the different parts around to see what’s loose and I eventually press down on some lever and water shoots out and I can’t stop it and the fill tank is getting over full.

Now I start panicking because if I flood the upstairs bathroom it won’t be long before it somehow finds it’s way downstairs. Meanwhile the kid’s yammering a mile a minute and I can’t concentrate. And my socks are wet and I can’t tolerate that above all. So I’m trying to stop the water rising by pulling up on the float and nothing’s happening and the kid’s still talking a mile a minute and asking questions about the toilet that I wished I could answer and I look over and she’s standing up in the tub trying to see what I’m doing.

Standing in the tub is dangerous and raises my level of panic to a higher degree because now I’ve got her by one arm trying to sit her down and I know that the water is about to overflow. I get the kid to sit down and then I reached down and closed the valve, effectively shutting off the toilet. I stopped to catch my breath and I immediately notice that the shutoff valve is now leaking. All I did was turn the fucking thing off and now it’s leaking. I tell the kid not to move a muscle and bolt downstairs to get some paper towels, thinking that surely it will stop leaking in a minute but when I get back upstairs it’s still going strong and the kid is hollering that she wants to get out so she can help, even though she hasn’t had an actual bath yet.

My old lady is still at yoga and it’s past the kid’s bedtime and the stress is much worse than at work and I don’t know what the fuck to do first. I decide that taking off the wet socks is the first priority, so I sit down on the little bathroom rug to take them off, having forgotten the kid went in and out of the tub and then I had a wet ass. Meanwhile, I cannot convey in words how the kid, still in the tub, was shouting questions and commands and hollering about getting out. All concentration was lost.

I knew that if my old lady came home and found the kid still awake I’d have her going crazy on top of everything else. So I handed the kid a bar of soap and told her to wash up while I checked the shutoff valve again. It was just a slow drip so I ran downstairs and got some Tupperware and an old towel and stuck it under the valve. I played around with all the parts inside the toilet tank until I was pretty sure it would work and opened the valve again. I flushed. No luck.

All I could do was shake the different parts around and I eventually go the thing to work and I look over at the kid and she’s sitting in water that is absolutely full of soap. And she’s full of soap. It was a sea of soap. And I remembered that I can’t let the kid sit in soap for any length of time because it will irritate her parts or some shit that I really don’t want to know about so I pulled the plug and ran new water and got her all rinsed off and out of the tub in record time. Meanwhile, I still had a wet ass and that’s even worse than wet socks. Eventually I got the kid in bed and fixed myself a drink. When the wife came home I had to re-enact the whole thing.

As of this morning, the valve was still dripping into the Tupperware but the toilet works as long as you hold the handle down when you flush. Now you have to count one-Mississippi, two-Mississippi, three-Mississippi before you can let go of the handle. And it’s hanging over my head because after work I’ve got to fix the whole mess and I already know how that’s going to turn out. It was a bad night.

I return, once again, with nothing

I partook of a small vacation recently. I have nothing to report.

Of note, perhaps, is the fact that I have read over 2,000,000 words in the past thirty days in the form of books; my only solace in times of boredom.

In my absence I noticed that my cohort, a self-proclaimed cracker, has posted a picture of himself. I’m always torn by these issues. On one hand, I’d love to get a look at some of you folks. On the other hand, my imagination is likely more generous than reality and I fear let down. I can’t post a picture of myself for security reasons, though I often wish I could. I have little going for me aside from not being repulsive.

I pictured Shank pretty much as he is in reality, though I thought the hair would be a little darker.

If you have posted a photo of yourself please let me know where to view it. My curiosity is now killing me. The person I’d really like to see a picture of is Bane. I can’t quite pigeon-hole that guy.

So. Can somebody put some coffee on?

I rarely give advice…but I’ll make an exception

In the real world, that is, outside of blogging, I get asked for advice quite a bit. That’s probably because I give the appearance of a stable, well adjusted person. Not that I am, but I do give the appearance. Since I fear everything I’m always on red alert and that keeps me from making unwise investments, getting involved in ridiculous situations and in general, avoiding the wave of idiocy that many people can’t seem to steer clear of.

Back the point. I often get asked for advice and I rarely dispense it. This makes people crazy. They think I don’t want them to succeed, but that’s not the case at all. I don’t give advice for two reasons.

1. It’s rarely, if ever, heeded
2. Most people don’t want advice, they want someone to blame when things don’t pan out

However, I’m in a charitable mood today, and I’ve got nothing else. Therefore, I offer the following pearls of wisdom:

1. Always sit with your back to the wall.

2. Avoid the herd mentality. If large groups of people are doing something, buying something or behaving a certain way, do the exact opposite.

3. Don’t drink rum or any mixed cocktail with high sugar content for extended periods.

4. Have a sense of honor. Your word should be your bond.

5. Nobody likes a mooch.

6. Shut the fuck up. Sometimes it’s best to listen.

7. If you can’t afford to pay cash for something, you definitely can’t afford it at 14% on your credit card.

8. Learn from the experience of others. Learning the hard way is not mandatory.

9. People will fuck you over if you let them.

10. Abusive relationships should be terminated with extreme prejudice.

11. Marriage vows should mean something. Or why bother.

12. If you don’t have the correct tool, don’t start the job.

13. Life is short, have some fun and don’t fuck it up.

14. When driving, don’t lurk in someone’s blind spot.

15. If you want something done right, be prepared to pay through the nose.

16. If you’ve been getting your hair cut the same way for more than ten years, you probably look like a jackass.

17. Good friends are hard to replace. Preserve those you have.

18. Shitty friends will drag you down with them.

19. Nothing is out of your reach. Don’t be afraid of success.

20. Don’t tailgate others.

21. If in the course of life you make enemies, it is best to keep them near you.

22. If you are severely wronged by someone, the proper payback is at least three times the initial value in cash, pain or inconvenience.

23. Enjoy the arts. Music is good for the soul.

23. Be excellent to each other.

24. Party on dudes!

The Vodka Challenge

Here’s an amusing article about the search for the best vodka. It’s pretty entertaining.

Are you a fan of Absolut? Here’s what the panel had to say:

“… Panel members noted its "piercing, antiseptic quality," "too-dry taste," "medium burn," and "unremarkable finish" and agreed that midshelf vodkas (again, we only tested premium brands) represented a much better value.”

Go figure. I was never a big fan.

I really enjoyed the critique of this vodka, one I’ve never heard of:

“… The vodka's industrial-strength bouquet reminded one drinker of "burning tires." As for its taste, the panelists declared it "sticky-sweet," "thick," and "gluelike." "I wouldn't use it to fuel my lawn mower," one taster said, bringing the discussion to an end.”

I’ve always wanted to do taste test like this but my friends, as rule, are hard to control when surrounded by a large number of full liquor bottles. It’s not that they’re wild Indians or anything, but maintaining order during a structured event that involves shots seems highly unlikely.