October 21, 2005

I rarely give advice…but I’ll make an exception

In the real world, that is, outside of blogging, I get asked for advice quite a bit. That’s probably because I give the appearance of a stable, well adjusted person. Not that I am, but I do give the appearance. Since I fear everything I’m always on red alert and that keeps me from making unwise investments, getting involved in ridiculous situations and in general, avoiding the wave of idiocy that many people can’t seem to steer clear of.

Back the point. I often get asked for advice and I rarely dispense it. This makes people crazy. They think I don’t want them to succeed, but that’s not the case at all. I don’t give advice for two reasons.

1. It’s rarely, if ever, heeded
2. Most people don’t want advice, they want someone to blame when things don’t pan out

However, I’m in a charitable mood today, and I’ve got nothing else. Therefore, I offer the following pearls of wisdom:

1. Always sit with your back to the wall.

2. Avoid the herd mentality. If large groups of people are doing something, buying something or behaving a certain way, do the exact opposite.

3. Don’t drink rum or any mixed cocktail with high sugar content for extended periods.

4. Have a sense of honor. Your word should be your bond.

5. Nobody likes a mooch.

6. Shut the fuck up. Sometimes it’s best to listen.

7. If you can’t afford to pay cash for something, you definitely can’t afford it at 14% on your credit card.

8. Learn from the experience of others. Learning the hard way is not mandatory.

9. People will fuck you over if you let them.

10. Abusive relationships should be terminated with extreme prejudice.

11. Marriage vows should mean something. Or why bother.

12. If you don’t have the correct tool, don’t start the job.

13. Life is short, have some fun and don’t fuck it up.

14. When driving, don’t lurk in someone’s blind spot.

15. If you want something done right, be prepared to pay through the nose.

16. If you’ve been getting your hair cut the same way for more than ten years, you probably look like a jackass.

17. Good friends are hard to replace. Preserve those you have.

18. Shitty friends will drag you down with them.

19. Nothing is out of your reach. Don’t be afraid of success.

20. Don’t tailgate others.

21. If in the course of life you make enemies, it is best to keep them near you.

22. If you are severely wronged by someone, the proper payback is at least three times the initial value in cash, pain or inconvenience.

23. Enjoy the arts. Music is good for the soul.

23. Be excellent to each other.

24. Party on dudes!

Posted by Paul! at October 21, 2005 11:40 AM | TrackBack

Dude... I've got a nice warm feeling now, right in my... oh never mind.

This reminds me of the "Sunscreen" song, except about 500% better.

My personal fave:
"People will fuck you over if you let them"
Amen brother, Amen.

Posted by: Oorgo at October 21, 2005 12:33 PM

And tip your bartender!

Posted by: shank at October 21, 2005 12:43 PM

wow, you're definitely better at advice than The Brothers. don't tell shank.

my fave is "Shitty friends will drag you down with them" cos no one ever warns you about that shit, and then BAM! you're in jail for possession of crack rock in a stolen vehicle.

Posted by: sis at October 21, 2005 06:02 PM

17. Good friends are hard to replace. Preserve those you have.

18. Shitty friends will drag you down with them.

Telling the difference, now that's the real problem.

Posted by: owlish at October 25, 2005 08:44 AM
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