October 20, 2005

Sitting the bench

There was a time not long ago that I could spit out posts like nobody’s business. I don’t mean links or bullshit posts where you talk about having nothing. I mean posts that had a beginning, middle and an end. That had pacing and theme. Posts that told a story.

It would seem they’ve dried up. Maybe I’ve gone to the well too many times. Maybe it’s the fact that most of my stuff revolved around my interaction with other people, which I have been forced to limit, in order to preserve my sanity.

Or maybe my luck has improved. I haven’t scalded the shit out of my mouth with hot napalm-like pizza lately, I haven’t shit myself in a long time…no wonder I’ve got nothing. Today I’ve got a headache. There’s nothing funny about a headache. I’ve got nothing to play off of. It’s not like cramps and the running shits—that’s good stuff. My whole schtick revolved around embarrassment and I’ve had nothing since the underwear incident.

I miss my old ways. Once I was driving down the freeway and I noticed a wasp was in the car. Now I’m a man and all, but there was a fucking wasp in the car. So I rolled down a window to blow it out, but instead of it going out it blew over to my side, and before I knew it the bastard was on my neck and I was swerving all over the road (in a man-like, controlled manner). There was a lot of swatting and wriggling on my part and I’m pretty sure I was screaming pretty loud too before I got the bastard out.

You see, that’s funny, even though it was emotionally stressful at the time. As far as I was concerned I was fighting a fucking dragon…it’s all the same to me. One may be smaller but they’re both trying to kill me.

And speaking of stress, someone needs to explain what pleasure is derived from going to haunted houses/scare fests around Halloween. I’ve done my share as a younger man and I failed to see the charm. You pay money to walk around in the dark while a bunch of assholes wait until you’re most vulnerable and then jump out screaming and scare the living shit out of you. I don’t find that type of anticipation pleasurable. I find it fucking stressful. I’m a nervous wreck after that shit. I also don’t like people yelling in my ear. My natural tendency is to attack someone that yells in my ear, and that tendency is hard to restrain. And often is not. Fear is the mother of violence. If you scare me, I will usually attack you.

I have no idea how to end this travesty. Mordieux…what has become of me?

Posted by Paul! at October 20, 2005 01:51 PM | TrackBack

It's okay if the well is dry Paul, because I've still got a whole lot of stupid shit to do. A bee was once in my car too. Except I was in traffic. I sat there trying to swat, trying not to look like an idiot, trying to get the bug away, trying not to jump out the goddamn window and run for the shoulder. It sucked. As far as haunted houses go, as stressful as my life has been lately (and as much Diet Coke as I've been drinking to deal with it) - if someone jumped out and scared me right now I'd reply with a deafening karate scream and a punch in the throat.


Posted by: shank at October 20, 2005 02:45 PM

It's funny that your well is dry yet you still managed to make an amusing and interesting post.

I wish my well was dry.

Posted by: Oorgo at October 20, 2005 04:18 PM

God damned pussies. I had a bee in my car a couple weeks ago. I grabbed it, rolled down the window, and threw it out. There was no swerving, no screaming, no frantic flailing about. What the hell?

Posted by: Jennifer at October 20, 2005 06:34 PM

What the hell are all you freaks doing with bees in your cars?

Posted by: sis at October 20, 2005 10:09 PM

I once shot a bee, in a bar in Matamoros, just to watch it die...

Posted by: Bane at October 20, 2005 10:23 PM
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