Yeah, I’ve got nothing. And to make matters worse, Shank’s been poking me with a stick, albeit subtly, to make something happen. He’s becoming Col. Parker and I think he’s afraid I’ll die sitting on the toilet like Elvis.
Perhaps I exaggerate. He sent an email saying, “Hey, what’s up?” But I can read between the lines. He’s thinking that fucker hasn’t been producing. Well, I guess I can’t blame him there.
When this type of situation happens in my professional life, I’m full of articulate responses that generate the required effect even if they’re complete bullshit. Allow me to simulate them here:
Well, Shank, I’m glad to see you’re rallying the team, and it’s quite timely on your part, as I’ve just put together a proposal that I believe will push us over the top. One of my research teams has concluded that the font we’re using currently is not only unappealing, but subliminally conjures the image of complete ineptitude on our part. Furthermore, the blog is an odd color. It’s somewhat black and somewhat gray. It’s floating in the netherworld between these two colors. Again, as you’ll see from their upcoming report, the research team found that among men ages 24-36, 84% found the current background color “half-assed.”
Of women polled from the same age group, 73% found the background to be, in their words, “shitty.” How quickly can we get Design and IT into a meeting about this? Because frankly, I’m getting some calls from the top and I’m not sure how long I can pacify them.
That’s what I usually do at work. Here on the blog I can’t really do that. Here, because of my tenuous position, I must write something. If I don't come up with something soon I'll have to start making shit up about other bloggers and post it with feigned indignance.
Who wants to play How Many Beers?
See, I knew you could do it.
NOW GET BACK TO THE KEYBOARD, MONKEY!!
Posted by: shank at October 12, 2005 08:27 AMNow that you mention it, this place *could* use some redecorating. I mean, really, the default style template? Bleh.
Posted by: Jennifer at October 12, 2005 09:51 AMSo if I just Google MT templates there are free ones out there? I'll look into that, and hopefully change this place up sometime this weekend. Oh shit. We should have a poll, or take suggestions from the public, since they're the ones complaining so much.
Posted by: shank at October 12, 2005 10:00 AMBe careful, all my shit vanished once when I changed templates.
Who is your tech consultant on this thing?
Posted by: Paul at October 12, 2005 10:32 AMWhat I wanna know is, where the fuck is Bill?
Posted by: Bane at October 12, 2005 12:12 PMTech consultant is Oorgo, but I don't pay him anything and he's got his own job and family and crap. Hey Paul - do you have your old template(s) anywhere? We could modify the colors and the banner on those. Just an idea. When I have time later this week I'll do a little research, unless one of the many brilliant tech geniuses who frequent this site wish to offer their expertise...
Posted by: shank at October 12, 2005 01:24 PMI was going to fix up yer shit at one point, but then I lost track of time. Jen has a shitload of templates maybe she can hook you up with one. She is the queen of MT.
Paul: Replacing templates doesn't remove stuff, just how it looks.
Posted by: Oorgo at October 12, 2005 01:46 PMAnd Oorgo, your pro bono work around here is greatly appreciated. The budget that I put through for approval by the Board of Directors has a huge allotment in it with your name on it.
I will have to hit Jen up for some templates. Although, I'm not sure if she has any w/o kittens. We'll see.
Posted by: shank at October 12, 2005 01:51 PMMy templates went up in smoke a long time ago. Surely there's a three column template out there with our names on it.
Posted by: Paul at October 12, 2005 01:54 PMOh, that kittens comment is bound to draw her ire.
Posted by: Paul at October 12, 2005 02:04 PMJust give me full permissions on your blog and I'll take care of the rest. Any preference on a theme? I'm thinking late-1800s Psychiatric Hospital.
Posted by: Jennifer at October 12, 2005 02:24 PMHoly crap. Could you make the font look like an old messed up typewriter? Like somewhat crooked and stuff? Ooh, and a background that looked like wadded paper that had been dug out of the trashbin and flattened back out?
Posted by: shank at October 12, 2005 02:28 PMLike this background:
http://www.lgrossman.com/crumpled.htm
but with a font that looks like a typewriter.
Why don't you change the title to "I am a 1337 blog PWN3R!"
How about a plain template like this, just funked up colors? Blue Robot
Posted by: Oorgo at October 12, 2005 02:33 PMThe price is right, dude.
Give Jen full permissions and let her run. I have done so in the past with excellent results.
Let's face it, whatever she puts up will be better than anything you or I could could ever do. Give her the green light dude. I'm not posting until you do. I'll do a fucking hunger strike.
Posted by: Paul at October 12, 2005 02:38 PMWhich illustrates nicely why you could never defeat me in blogwar, shank. If push comes to shove, Paul is on my side.
Posted by: Jennifer at October 12, 2005 02:43 PMAnd that crumpled paper thing--if that's what you really want--could be done in two minutes. IF I had permissions, which I do not seem to have.
Posted by: Jennifer at October 12, 2005 02:47 PMI tell ya, if you use crumpled paper as the background, I'm only reading you via RSS... that's as easy to read on as wax paper is to write on.
Posted by: Oorgo at October 12, 2005 02:53 PMI can give him a plain skin...if I feel ambitious. And IF I get the fucking permissions.
Posted by: Jennifer at October 12, 2005 02:59 PMYou can see a messed-up version of my old template with the crumpled paper here: http://jenlars.mu.nu/testlab.html
I'd keep the content with a solid or semi-transparent background...so it wouldn't be directly on that crumpled stuff.
Posted by: Jennifer at October 12, 2005 03:00 PMI dunno shank... crumpled paper, teh gey?
Posted by: sis at October 12, 2005 03:06 PMWell, it's pretty boring, but here is a start.
Posted by: Jennifer at October 12, 2005 03:41 PMThat monkey looks remarkably like Shank
Posted by: Oorgo at October 12, 2005 04:03 PM(By the way, this was more what *I* had in mind.)
Posted by: Jennifer at October 12, 2005 04:59 PMI like Jen's idea about the asylum. There was a site http://www.abandonedasylum.com but it appears to be down right now. Maybe you could get something from there?
Posted by: Jackie at October 12, 2005 05:00 PMThat's freakin' awesome Jen... you should do that Shank (and Paul). Wicked.
Posted by: Oorgo at October 12, 2005 05:15 PMWow!
Posted by: Paul at October 12, 2005 05:37 PMJesus. A guy goes to the bar and all hell breaks loose. Jen, it's yours. Permission's in your shit.
But lose that goddamn monkey. yeesh
Posted by: shank at October 12, 2005 09:25 PMJen, that last one is TITS.
Posted by: shank at October 12, 2005 09:29 PMBleh, this comment template needs tweaking.
Posted by: Jennifer at October 12, 2005 10:37 PMtits? i guess boobies = good in a boy's mind?
Posted by: sis at October 12, 2005 10:52 PMI hope so. That's the interpretation I went with, and if I was wrong, I'll have to change this whole thing.
Posted by: Jennifer at October 12, 2005 11:05 PMJen the comments do look a little weird, but I think if they didn't have the white backgrounds, you wouldn't be able to see them. I think the site looks awesome. I owe ya.
Posted by: shank at October 13, 2005 07:48 AM